AAPI x Mental Health Resources

For some of us, today marks the end of a semester and the beginning of a rejuvenating summer. But today, May 1, is also the beginning of AAPI (Asian American and Pacific Islander) Heritage Month and Mental Health Awareness Month. These issues are both extremely close to my heart and I have thought a lot about the intersectionality between them. This intersection often goes unnoticed largely because the mental health stigma varies so vastly between cultures, and in Asian culture, the stigma is prominent enough that still, no one talks about wellness, mental health, and mental illness.

In my personal life, I have tried to advocate for the visibility of mental health issues in the Asian community. I hope that the state of our country and the state of our world is no secret to anyone. The Coronavirus pandemic has brought about massive hate and violence towards the Asian community. The Covid crisis in India is worsening rapidly, by the day. And that’s not all of it. I hope that this month also marks the beginning of vulnerability and visibility within this intersection.

I hope that no one will feel the need to suffer alone.

Below is a list of resources for AAPI Mental Health. I hope that these help even one person feel seen and supported.

  • Instagram accounts I follow
    • @asiansformentalhealth
    • @asianmentalhealthcollective
    • @southasiantherapists
    • @browngirltherapy
    • @browngirltrauma
    • @asianmentalhealthproject
    • @asianmentalhealthcare

Social Injustices are Far From Over; Please Keep Speaking

As of today, George Floyd’s killer has been charged with second degree murder and the other cops involved were also arrested. This means that they are listening, and that our words and actions have impact. What this doesn’t mean is that we can throw our hands up and relax.

Why? Breonna Taylor’s murderers are still walking free. Ahmaud Arbery was murdered in February but nothing happened until the video went viral. This is far from the first time murders and police brutality against the Black community have taken place, and trust me, there are some that were made public that everyone does not know about.

How many recognize the name Samuel DuBose? Chances are, if you are from anywhere outside or far from Cincinnati, you don’t. Let me fill you in:

Not far from UC’s campus, University of Cincinnati police officer Ray Tensing senselessly shot and killed DuBose while he was driving. DuBose was unarmed, and he was shot at a traffic light. Rather than charging and arresting Tensing, UC chose to fire him and then PAY him over $300K (including benefits), before he was charged a few years later. Here is the full story if you’re interested.

The fact that this happened at all makes me sick, but the fact that it happened close to the campus I now call home makes it even worse. I’m from the area so I know about this murder, but I guarantee that there are others happening here and around the country that I don’t know about.

Black lives matter. They always matter. Not just when they are publicly stolen. It’s so important to constantly continue this advocacy, not just after a tragic event has taken place. That’s the only way change will be sustainable.

Like many people, I used to be intimidated by social justice and social change. I thought that in order to make an impact, my efforts had to be grandiose or over-the-top. But they don’t, and neither do yours. Through the time I spent in UC’s Racial Awareness Program, I learned that sparking social change is about opening your ears and having the courage to speak out. To one person, or a whole crowd of people.

It is imperative that we keep talking about racial/social injustices in any way we can. Social media, blogs, on the phone, with your family, anything. The more dialogues we have going, the more we can share the perspectives and ideas that have been silenced for so long.

I encourage everyone to keep advocating in any way you can. Whether it’s donating, signing a petition, protesting, posting on social media, or having conversations, everything you do helps. I also encourage everyone to be kind to one another. Call people out, call people in, but gently and respectfully. Remember that anyone speaking out on the side of justice is doing their best to advocate for the same thing as you, so please approach them with love and empathy.

Childhood Abandonment and Autism: Myka Stauffer’s Adoption

A few days ago, family vlogger Myka Stauffer publicized the fact that she was “rehoming” Huxley, her adopted Chinese son, at 4 years old, because, well, his autism was too much to handle. Yes, you read that right, a woman returned her kid. Some believe that the entire adoption was set up to gain publicity on the internet, and others believe that Myka was just in over her head. Regardless, most agree that her decision to dispose of her child was cruel, inappropriate, and damaging to him.

They are completely right. Childhood Abandonment is a form of childhood trauma and this has such a detrimental effect on all children, and even more so on children with autism.

Before I begin, I want to emphasize that while I am still only a college student, I have been passionate about mental health/science communication for years. With that said, I am on my way towards a Neuroscience degree and have done extensive research on everything I will tell you. Everything I say will be directly cited by studies and experts, and all of my references will be below.

I want to talk more in-depth about how traumatizing childhood abandonment really is for kids with autism, because selfish decisions like Myka’s can easily become damaging beyond belief, whether parents know it or not.

Although the reason has not been fully determined, children with Autism respond differently to childhood trauma such as bullying, abuse, and neglect (Hoover 2015). Another source of trauma, more unique to Autistic children, is moving, as this prompts a change of routine. According to a 2018 article, an Austistic child who moved at 3 years old in order to escape domestic violence in his home seemed to be more affected by the trauma of moving than the trauma of witnessing domestic violence (Gravitz 2018). The same article talked about a 12 year old Autistic boy who was so traumatized by the school’s loud fire drills, that he committed self-harm and refused to go to school (Gravitz 2018).

The point here is that not only does trauma itself impact the Autistic brain differently, but also that there is a difference in the experiences that could be traumatic. In the case of Huxley, his abandonment broke his family relationship, familiarity with his home, and his daily routine all at once. And in response to this kind of trauma, research shows that children with autism are not only more sensitive but more likely to develop depression during their lives (Hoover 2015). Unfortunately, depression is not the only effect. According to a 2017 study, imaging revealed that neglected children had deficits in memory associated brain regions, which could further complicate the effects of Autism (Liu et al. 2017).

What Myka did to her child was not only cruel, but downright debilitating. She should not be allowed to adopt ever again, and there definitely needs to be better screening for parents considering adoption. Much like other issues in this world, the reason we are only talking about it now is because it happened in the public eye. If it happened now in front of the world, I highly doubt that it isn’t happening behind closed doors.

Children deserve better. They deserve to be loved, cared for, and valued. “Rehoming” a child like they are an accessory or piece of furniture not only deprives them of all of this, but in the case of Autism, sets them up for a much harder life.

To those who say that Myka couldn’t have known what this would do to Huxley, this research was not hard to do. So far in my college education, I haven’t learned much about autism, so everything I found was from scratch and readily available. For free, with one Google search and the click of a link.

It’s clear that Myka didn’t care about Huxley’s quality of life, or the impact she would have on him. Based on past messages and videos, it becomes more clear as I write this that she did this for clout. That is shameful and I hope that by reading this, you understand how dangerous of a precedent this could set. Huxley is 4, so yes, he will remember this. Please stop using children, abusing them, and dehumanizing them. All of these babies who can’t speak right now, still have brains that grow and change every day. These kids will become adults, and all that happened during their childhood, good or bad, will shape who they become.

Adults, make good choices, and strive to have an uplifting impact on your children, not a traumatic one.

References

Gravitz L. “At the intersection of autism and trauma”. Spectrum. 26 September 2018. https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/intersection-autism-trauma/

Hoover DW. “The Effects of Psychological on Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders: a Research Review”. Rev J Autism Dev Disord 2, 287–299 (2015).  https://doi.org/10.1007/s40489-015-0052-y 

Liu, J., Gong, J., Nie, G. et al. “The mediating effects of childhood neglect on the association between schizotypal and autistic personality traits and depression in a non-clinical sample”. BMC Psychiatry 17, 352 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-017-1510-0.

Solomon Lab Reflection

This reflection was part of a project, but I wanted to post it here for anyone wondering about starting undergraduate research. Photo contributed by solomonlaboratory.com

This experience encompasses the time I spent during this summer in the Solomon Laboratory. We are a neuroscience lab run by neurobiologist Matia Solomon, and we are located at UC MDI or Reading Campus. 

When I first started in the lab, I had no idea what to expect. I was by far the youngest and by far the least experienced, so as you can imagine, I was very nervous. All I knew was that I liked neuroscience and I wanted a more personal, up close view of it to learn more. I think what scared me most was that I just wouldn’t be good at learning all the new techniques and skills. This was also my first time stepping out of a classroom lab and into a real one, for lack of better term, so the fear of messing up the entire experiment was very much there. 

It’s safe to say that most of my initial experiences included a LOT of fear.

To say that all of my fear has since disappeared would be a stretch, but I can say that the little fear I still have is supplemented with excitement, joy, and fascination. Despite being scared, nervous, and insecure, the lab is where I fell in love with neuroscience. 

The main techniques I learned had to do with sectioning and analyzing brain tissue, but beyond that, I learned so much about the brain in such little time. Without going into too much detail, the study I walked into was focused primarily on the potential relationships between stress and neurodegeneration. I learned so much about the neuroscience of stress, dementia, Alzheimer’s disease and so much more that I was surprised to relate to. I’ve always been interested in studying stress because it is so prominent in our generation, and to learn more about it was fascinating. 

Apart from learning so much, one of my favorite aspects of our lab was the environment. We were small, only 4 students and Dr. Solomon, so we were all pretty close and comfortable with each other. This made it such a great environment to come to so often, and I began to look at the lab as sort of a sanctuary. It was homey, quiet, peaceful, and just a relaxing place to be. I was also comfortable asking questions and learning as much as I could. There was always the fear that my questions would be annoying or slow everyone else down, but they were all so unbelievably patient and willing to explain everything to me.

I think that such a positive environment is so important in a first lab, because it molds a student’s attitude towards research in general. Even now, I truly believe that the reason I fell in love with neuroscience the way I did was because the lab was such a wonderful place to be, and the people around me inspired me so much. They made me want to work harder, know more, and think deeper.

I’ve always known that neuroscience and psychology have a huge impact on society: they are literally rooted and how and why we are the way we are. Mental health has always been so important to me and that is where my interest in the brain came from, but during this semester, I also learned more about the social implications of neuroscience research. For example, I didn’t realize how many sex differences there were in the brain and how that can make women more susceptible to disorders such as depression, anxiety, and Alzheimer’s disease. With more research on neuroscience, particularly minority neuroscience, I’m hopeful that we will be able to make social change by fueling the acceptance of things we can’t see or don’t know much about. 

Right now, other than mental illness discrimination, there are also social stigmas against other neurological disorders such as Autism and Down Syndrome. I think that stigmas are rooted in ignorance, so in addition to advocacy, I hope that more research we do on these topics, the more we are able to educate, raise awareness, and eliminate social stigmas surrounding mental/neurological disorders.

In terms of my future, this experience has made me want a career in neuroscience, from the perspectives of medicine and social change. We are living in a world that I think is slowly becoming more aware of the importance of mental health, and so much of that can be attributed to the research that is constantly being done to bring these issues to light. I cannot wait to spend more of my undergraduate career in research labs, and to one day be able to contribute to the research that can change the world.

Book Review: “Lost in My Mind” by Kelly Bouldin Darmofal

Summary

This is a memoir written by a woman who endured a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).  To say it is beautiful would be an understatement. Although the book is a memoir, it starts off from the perspective of the author’s mother since the author was in a coma for the first chapter and had suffered memory loss due to her trauma. Her mother kept a journal and meticulously recorded everything in lieu of the author’s memory about the event. The book is divided into two parts, the first in her mother’s voice, and the second in Kelly’s.

Part 1

Part 1 of this memoir is Kelly’s mother’s account of the experience before, during, and after the trauma. I’ll admit, this part started off a little slow, but as it continued I began to appreciate it more. When it comes to diseases, brain or otherwise, we have a tendency to put all of our focus on the victim, and forget how much their loved ones are affected. Getting her mother’s perspective and following her struggles with, as she puts it, “raising (her) daughter for the second time” gave me a fuller scope of the story and helped me understand how life-changing this trauma truly was.

In addition to other perspectives, this part gave me an informed account of the discrimination Kelly faced post-TBI. For example, when she tried to rejoin the cheer squad, other mothers and the faculty advisor claimed that her TBI would be disadvantageous for the other girls. In art class, her Amnesia from the TBI caused her to forget how to do simple tasks, and instead of being understanding and empathetic, her art teacher threatened to fail Kelly for not doing enough work if she was not removed from the class. I think that this was so important to add in the memoir because it gives us another angle to the social impact of mental disorders that are often dismissed.

Part 2

This is where Kelly begins telling her own story. She recounts her experiences in school, college, and her job as a teacher. Through her eyes, readers get a taste of the unique challenges that pertain to a survivor of TBI. Interestingly, other than the physical challenge of driving and remembering directions, a lot of Kelly’s hardships were emotional: missing her “old” self, relearning how to walk and climb stairs, being robbed of a sense of normalcy, and so on. For a memoir, this section was a bit too expository for me, taking an informative tone moreso than a reflective one. I still think it was well written and served its purpose of raising awareness of TBI through storytelling. I just wish we got more of Kelly’s wit and personality in her voice, because it was described so well by her mother.

My thoughts

As a Neuroscience student, I spend most of my time learning about brain diseases, injuries and disorders in the most objective way possible. I’ve sat in classes and learned about TBIs, Parkinson’s disease, Dyslexia, Aphasia of multiple types, and have spent time in the lab studying mainly Alzheimer’s disease. While I could probably tell you something about what happens to/in the brain for each disorder, I feel like I sometimes lose touch with the social aspect. How a certain disorder may effect the person’s thought process and perspective, how it can effect their relationships, or even their family, is just as important to understand as the biological mechanisms of the disease itself.

Books like Lost in My Mind keep me grounded and remind me why I went into science in the first place. The book does not try to be super informative or highly scientific, and that is probably me favorite part. So often in science, we get so wrapped up in the minuscule, minor, microscopic things, that we forget about the life and person behind the disease. Especially with neurological diseases/disorders, because our brain is who we are, and damage to that, even slightly, can change our lives forever.

Chapter Highlights

One of my favorite chapters in Part 1 was chapter 4, entitled “Socially Unacceptable Behavior”. One of the most difficult part for Kelly and her family post-TBI was Kelly’s behavioral regression. This is one of those instances where the injury can take a heavy toll on family and friends, and we see this very clearly with Kelly’s mother. While in recovery, Kelly’s manners went out the window and since her mother was her primary care-taker, she became the target for a lot of Kelly’s insults and jabs. Kelly would do the same to her friends, not realizing the hurtful impact of her words. And it was Kelly’s mother who had to watch her daughter lose friends and lose patience with herself for reasons she could not be at fault for. It was heartbreaking to read, and a great reminder of how crucial a positive, resilient support system is for a fully, complete recovery.

My favorite chapter in Part 2 is chapter 14, entitled “Master’s Degree: Prognosis and Possibilities”. This is where Kelly described her experiences working as a Special Education teacher, following in the footsteps of her mother. One of the most eye-opening moments in that chapter was when Kelly talked about one of her students with a Behavior Disorder and she realized that despite her hardships, she was in a position to help. It definitely gave me a lot of perspective on my own life. Kelly has been through so much, and to still take it upon herself to help those less fortunate than her is so inspiring. A quote that stuck out to me from that section is the following:

“Carter’s handicaps were categorized as ‘mild to moderate’. So what was I? Formerly, my perception of self was that of moderate to severe disability. And I was wrong. I was able to speak, control my behaviors, and learn” (Darmofal 159). 

This was her realization that although she still had her disabilities, she still had privileges to help, and she was so cognizant of that. I think this can be a lesson to us all, to take a look inward and understand that we may have disadvantages in some ways, but in other ways, we are still in a position to help.

I don’t think it’s possible to fully understand a disorder or disease without exposing yourself to every side. This book is such a great read because it reminds of why they can be so heartbreaking, and it usually extends beyond the medical, physiological impact. Both Kelly’s perspective and her mother’s were honest and vulnerable. They drive home the importance of resilience and how challenging, scary recovery from anything can be. Whether you care about the brain or not, this book is for you. Medicine, disease, injuries, impact all of us, and it is always important to remember the humanity and emotions that lie beneath the surface.

Guest Post: Poetry Collection by Priti Vitankar

My friend Priti Vitankar wrote a collection of poems that I thought was beautiful, so she gave me permission to post them here. Priti is from Mumbai, India and she is an Operations Management major and part of the University of Cincinnati Class of 2023. She has lived in 5 countries and is an equestrian. This collection is centered around a theme of coping with sadness. “Infected” and “My Sanity” are about quarantine. I hope you guys enjoy reading them as much as I do!

Infected

It’s near me, all around me

But I don’t have it

It’s changed everything I know to be normal

It’s changed the course of my life

And yet, I still don’t have it

 

As each person falls and falls

The world starts to tremble

For the mistake of one can affect the other

 

What must we live upon?

What must we do?

For I am infected without being too

 

My Sanity

Sanity; I’m losing it

Day by day, it creeps away

The tapping of my feet

The faster breathing

The voice inside me wanting to get out

To scream in frustration to scream in pain

 

What has my life come to?

Locked in with the annoyance

Day after day. Increasing.

The voices outside are no better than the ones in

The constant words

The constant looks

 

I’ve come so close to the edge

I might just fall

Fall to where? I must see.

Is this madness really a reality?

 

Path

Two steps forward, one step back.

Not as easy, as it seems,

Another path is what you seek

Perhaps one, that you have already found

But not a way you want to go on.

Confessing shows the knowledge of the path

Knowledge means you know it’s the only way out

You know what it is

I don’t have to repeat twice

 

Two steps forward, three steps back

Alas, I have said it

And you know, it will last

Around your mind it will go,

Threatening you with your darkest fears

For this isn’t as simple as you must have thought

The steps are known but never shown

 

Don’t be a fool,

This isn’t cruel.

It’s the path everyone must take,

Before it’s too late

Take a step back and turn yourself around

But don’t run back

That’s all that counts

 

SCISSORS

A symbol of happiness

A symbol of pain

Cuts through the pages of yesterday

Smooth or rough, it may go

Straight or askew, it may cut

 

Can be glued into something new

Zigzagged, is how it may remain

Scars will stay, all through time

 

Relived or not,

That’s up to you.

The pages have been cut

And now the time has come,

To be something new

 

 

 

 

My Position on The State of Mental Health Today

This was originally an assignment for my Psychology class, but in honor mental health awareness month, I thought I would share it here.

Although mental health issues have been around for centuries, they have only recently been brought forth. A possible cause is the increasingly competitive world we live in. With more technology at our fingertips, the world now moves at lightning speed, and that can add stress to a huge portion of the population. Another possible major reason is social media. What started out as a way to stay remotely connected to friends and family has become a large, nasty vehicle for comparison. Instagram, for example, has become a contest to project the happiest, most perfect life, and although it is obviously fabricated, it becomes hard not to compare those posts to the imperfection that surrounds our own lives.

Social media and the media in general also directly contribute to what we know as “glamourizing” mental health. On Instagram, depression is commonly associated with the image of a woman looking out the window with a single tear streaming down her face—come to think of it, it looks kind of beautiful. Even on Keeping up with the Kardashians, Khloe has an organizing segment called Khlo-C-D, clearly ripping off of the stereotype of neurotic neatness associated with OCD. All this to say that yes, there is a clear romanticizing of mental health issues in our society, but that does not mean the issues are fake. Unfortunately, mental health has been made trendy and cute, and has therefore been taken less seriously.

I want to believe that this glamourizing generally comes from a good place, to raise awareness and spread education. The first two media examples were created with a good purpose, but the issue is that when we make things more dramatic than they are and simpler than they are, we end up highlighting the stigmas we want to perpetuate. The result is something like the third example, people freely using mental health issues to their advantage while misunderstood people everywhere keep suffering in the dark. This country absolutely has a mental health problem potentially due to an influx of technology, social media, competition, and life stress, and right now, rather than being solved, the problem is being exploited.

So, what can we do to combat the stigmatization of mental health? I think the first thing is realizing that mental health issues themselves cannot be simply combatted. Telling someone to just stop having OCD or depression is like telling them to just snap their fingers and stop being physically ill. Second, spreading accurate education about mental health is vital. So much false information goes around, and it can perpetuate stigmas. In order to pull back from that, it is important to be informed on these issues and talk about them accurately. A way to do this is calling people out, or calling people in, when you hear them speak inaccurately about mental health. It sounds scary, and might be uncomfortable, but undoing damage that has perpetuated for so long cannot be made easy or comfortable to be made effective.

Although mental health issues cannot disappear, there are still ways to keep your mental health in check. I have recently been exploring the practice of self-care and have noticed a difference in the prominence of my own mental health conditions. The more I work on prioritizing sleep, the less anxious I wake up. Surrounding myself with loving, positive people lessens the impact of my depression. Taking breaks from social media keeps me from constantly comparing myself to others. A good mental health is so important to maintaining a high quality of life, and I think that with time and education, we can work towards a society that understands just how seriously it needs to be taken.

On my taste in reading

Back in third grade, when I hated reading, my friend came up to me and said, “I reread the whole Harry Potter series in a week!” 

“Oh cool!” I said back, but what I really meant was it’s on. I may have hated reading, but I loved a friendly competition.

My mother, an avid reader, had the entire series at home. That afternoon, I opened the door, threw my backpack down, grabbed Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, and tore through the pages. It wasn’t terrible, but I didn’t understand the obsession. For the sake of competition, I pushed through the second and third books, which only got longer. The fourth book seemed heavier than a paperweight and that was when I had to call it quits.

Why can’t I get into this? I thought. Am I not smart enough, do I just hate reading that much? I thought the answer was yes to both when I sensed a pattern with other series such as Guardians of the Galaxy, Percy Jackson, and other books of the fantasy genre.

Then one day in fourth grade English class, we read an excerpt from Report Card by Andrew Clements. I was captivated. I loved the fact that this story could be my story, but instead, I got to learn from someone else. I loved that the visualizations were easy and plausible, and I could empathize with the characters because, at some point, I had felt what they felt in a different way. Instead of transporting me to another world, reading Report Card let me dig deeper into my own and therefore gave reading a more nuanced purpose.

It didn’t stop there. Other books that have stuck with me are The Recipe Box by Sandra Lee, Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng, The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri, The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan, and Skinny by Donna Cooner, to name a few. The common thread between these novels is that they are realistic, and could be the story of the noticeably quiet girl sitting next to me in my science class. 

That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate elements of fantasy, though. Magical realism is a fairly new genre to me, and I find it fascinating. I love the relatability and comfort of a realistic premise fused with an extra layer of depth, transcendence, and symbolism that a magical element or two provides. When I think about magical realism, the book that immediately comes to mind is The Rules of Magic by Alice Hoffman. At its core, this is a book about the inevitability of true love and its overtaking of everyone, no matter who they are. The element of witchcraft is used in part to symbolize fate, bringing to life the idea of a soulmate, and their destined entry into our lives. But my appreciation from magical realism stems from the fact that the books are realistic in premise and not obnoxiously overtaken by magic. The bits of fantasy embedded in the book provide an experience of transcendence rather than escape.

There’s the standard argument that realistic fiction is boring because it’s about real life. People around me often say that there’s nothing in there that makes the stories fascinating. First of all, I think there is a fascination in the obscure situations that people somewhere have had to endure, and a calmer plot can also bring attention to other elements of what makes a book great: language, characterization, form. 

But even if that were true, that realistic fiction has less of a wow factor, I think those who devalue the genre, for this reason, are missing what I think is a core purpose of reading: gaining perspective. One of the best things about reading is that it opens our eyes to humanity and teaches us about the world around us in the most artistic, gentle, emotional, creative of ways. Realistic fiction throws us into the story of someone from 100 years ago, someone oceans away, even someone down the street we never looked at twice, and it reminds us of the simple, yet empowering truth that everyone has a story and every story matters. Realistic fiction angers us, breaks our hearts, makes us slam the book shut to suppress a sudden flashback; it makes us feel things at the height of our senses because we connect to the story so easily and so quickly. It doesn’t matter if we’ve never been in that situation because the fact that they are human with normal lives just like us is enough for their problems to touch us as sensitively as they touch them.

When discussing preferences with reading, I think it’s only fair to touch on other media, such as television, since it has become a huge part of our lives. Branching off the relatability of realistic nature, my guilty pleasure also happens to be reality television. I love the “trashy” shows, the shows that are often dismissed as a waste of time, riddled with mindless fighting. The thing is, the people who say this aren’t wrong. There is a lot of fighting in reality, especially the shows I like to watch. Between Dance Moms, Little Women: LA, and the occasional episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, I watch more arguing than I participate in–and that’s saying a lot. Maybe it’s my fascination with psychology, or maybe it’s nothing profound and just a teenage love of drama, but the fighting is oddly captivating, almost humorous. I love to pick sides, insert myself into their arguments, and sometimes just throw my head back laughing at the absurdity of their arguments. I guess I get a kick out of the irony of grown women arguing like children, and despite the reputation of these shows, I find no shame in that. 

My friends always say, “You’re an English major, and you’re not crazy about Harry Potter? That’s disgraceful!” Let me say this. As an English major, I understand what’s great about Harry Potter and the fantasy genre, and, with enough time and knowledge, I could probably make a case for it. But when it comes to the books that consume me, I’m going to need something more powerful than dragons and more seductive than vampires to make me come alive. I’m going to need vulnerability that stabs me in the heart, touching dialogue between a mother and her daughter that makes a real smile shine and makes real tears stream down my face. I need a hell of a lot more than magic and symbolism to read the last line of a book, and say, “Damn, that was good.”

Let’s acknowledge the decade’s bright side

I’ll admit, I’m usually not one for wrap-up posts and things like that. But, since this is the end of the decade, I decided to give it a try. I’ll be real, this decade did come with some personal and societal lows, but I think it’s always beneficial to also highlight what went well. I wanted to employ some positive thinking and remind myself of some of the personal highs and empowering moments of the decade. Take some time to empower yourselves and acknowledge your own bright sides!

10. Cleaning out my room. Throughout my childhood, the idea of cleaning my room made me groan and go anywhere but my room. While some of that was definitely childhood laziness, I didn’t realize how much could actually be attributed to how stressed the sheer amount of STUFF in that room was making me. It was a junkyard. I finally set aside a day over winter break this year (like a week ago) to clean out everything I didn’t want and start over. Now, I love my room. I love my clean, spacious desk, my zen corner, my fake candles spread throughout to spread warmth. Most importantly, I absolutely love keeping it clean, because I never want to see the junkyard again.

9. Regaining my strength. I went through quite a bit this decade, not unlike a lot of people. I think my most empowering moments were when I realized that I was capable of regaining not only physical strength but emotional strength as well. I still remember when I was nine years old and lost all muscle strength on the right side of my body. Two weeks later, moving up the stairs by myself in physical therapy was the moment that told me that it was possible to be the person I was before half my limbs forgot what to do. Emotionally, I had a lot of fear and apprehension about driving. Because I was so largely affected by the accident, being the one to operate the car was terrifying. Finally getting behind the wheel and getting to a point where I enjoy driving was a huge win for me.

8. Dance (and lack thereof). Dance has been a part of me since I was five. It started off as a group of six little kids, but as I got older, I started to passionately pursue it. I joined the my dance academy in 8th grade and just recently quit. Although a lot of parts of dance were amazing–making a lot of friends and unleashing my creative expression–it also worsened some of my insecurities. Staring at a mirror for two hours strengthed the insecurities about my image that I have had since childhood, and gave more power to the negative voice in my head. It took a lot to quit because I love a lot of those people like family and dance was a huge part of me, but finally making the realization that this wasn’t the healthiest thing for me and saying goodbye felt like such a weight off my shoulders.

7. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Perhaps the most intense high of the bunch. I started really drinking coffee in 11th grade, and ever since, it has kept me up and rolling even when life was very stressful and hard to handle. Special thanks for all the energy, motivation, and spent money.

6. Finding my voice. This one is definitely a longer project. From dealing with insecurities from growing up with a stutter to learning how to express myself on the page, I discovered in this decade how to break free and put myself out there, for better or for worse. The change from socially anxious to enjoying public speaking has been gradual but working, and overcoming the fear of expressing my genuine self was extremely liberating.

5. Learning how to cook. Anyone who’s known me longer than 5 years knows about my Food Network phase. It was intense, I was obsessed. For some reason, cooking shows were mesmerizing and cooking itself felt so artistic and cool. It was so crazy that by sixth grade, I knew how to cook and have loved it for so long.

4. College. This wasn’t easy to add to this list, because college has also come with a lot of lows. But every day I’m so grateful for the friends I have, and the time college has given me to focus on things we often throw to the wayside like balance and self-care.

3. The Chronicle. The Chronicle is the student newspaper I worked on for three years of high school. Publishing my work almost every month boosted me so much as a writer, made me fall in love with writing even more. I got to have such valuable experiences, like interviewing Jay Asher, working on such a great and compassionate staff, and helping to continue the middle school paper.

2. Writing. Probably the single best thing that has happened to me the past 10 years. I hated writing until fifth grade but now I don’t know who I am without it. I know writing about writing is so weird and meta, so I’ll try to keep this brief, but learning how to put words together and how to sit with something as long as I have sat with some pieces has made me so much more patient, thoughtful, and confident.

1. Learning more about who I am. Admittedly, the cheesiest of them all, but hear me out. My greatest high was also my greatest low as I used these few years to become more in tune with who I really was, and who I really wasn’t. It took time and courage to break away from the person I was raised to be and learn to think for myself. I learned how much I really loved writing and how much I want to incorporate it into my career. I learned that despite 11 years of lessons, I didn’t really like playing the piano, and would much rather explore other creative outlets. Most importantly, I learned that there is so much more I have to learn about myself, and I’m in no rush to have all my crap together right now. Here’s to getting more of it together in the next decade.